Dead Names, Dead Dog: A Magical Muddle, Part 7

Let’s check out the Coast to Coast show, ye who seek the magical secrets of the Necronomicon! In previous posts, “Simon” has been coming up short on his discussions of his magical abilities. What mysteries will be revealed therein?

IAN: Then why don’t you use the spells of the Necronomicon to keep the evil away?

SIMON: (Laughs) That would be a, how shall I say, a, what is the word I’m looking for… You can use spells for many things. For me, the Necronomicon is a spiritual journey. It is an initiation – a series of initiations. I do not cast spells. I am not that kind of person. As a person, I’m more interested in mystical things, the mystical path of the Necronomicon. So I don’t sit and work spells to keep evil people away.

So, he’s a magician who doesn’t cast spells. I don’t call that entirely reassuring.

Take heart, though. Those who are interested in spells from the Necronomicon specifically intended to keep evil people away can find full descriptions and working instructions for the Fifty Names of Marduk in the Necronomicon Spellbook. This, of course, is a book on spells written by “Simon.”

Let’s put this aside, for the moment. “Simon” wants to talk about the mystical path, the initiation of the Necronomicon. Let the wisdom of the ancients be told!

IAN: First time caller line, Corey is hanging on for Simon.

COREY: …To Simon, I was curious if you had passed through any of the Gates spoken of in the manuscript.

SIMON: Ah, as I mentioned previously, it is not the custom to, to talk about these things, especially within this context over the open air.

It’s true, you know. Since the time of the Mad Arab, “Simon” and his people have steadfastly refused to tell anyone how many gates they’ve walked on national radio. Our respect for their dedication is hardly overshadowed by the fact that nobody’s asked them before now.

Let’s get back, though, because I think Ian’s got his own question.

IAN: But it would be fair to say, Simon, that you’ve passed through some of them, I mean, in the sense that, if you had had this book for all these years and you hadn’t passed through any of them, that would kind of make it sort of suspect, don’t you think?

SIMON: Of course. I can say that I have worked the system.

Once again, “Simon” and I can agree on one thing – he’s at least trying to work the system.

Of course, those who are interested in actually hearing what the Gatewalking procedure is like might find the answers in Gates of the Necronomicon, a new book coming out next month and written by “Simon.”

Are you getting a sense for what’s going on? Well, that’s too bad! Next time, “Simon” throws everyone for a loop!

Published in: on October 13, 2006 at 7:37 pm  Comments (2)  

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Just because I’m curious: why is -any- this even question ?
    “Simon” is a con artist, you know it and I know.
    Add to that the fact that he uses Sumerian myth sprinkled with -some- Cthuluhu mythos names (most of which he misspelled on purpose) then slaps it with the name Necronomicon.
    The only “real” connection between the Cthulhu Mythos and real life is the addition of Dagon and even dagon has a tenuous and convoluted connection to sumerian myth.
    Any connection between “simons” book and the “real” necronomicon is pure noise.
    As most of us know, the necronomicon is nonexistant, magic is nonexistant and the bona fides of “Simon” are vaporware.

    You are a sucker in a

  2. IMHO, the phrase “that kind of person” tells any sensible soul everything s/he needs to know.


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